Space Pregnant: An Eva Odyssey
by ACruelFansThesis
Summary: Armisael leaves behind a special surprise much to the frustration of basically everyone. (Reviews welcome!)
1. what

"Have you noticed anything...different about Unit 00?" Misato asked Ritsuko. The harried scientist looked at her and sighed, "No, why do you ask?"

"I dunno, something looks...off about it."

"If something was wrong, I would be the first to know. I am the scientist here after all, knowing what's what is practically my job."

"Yeah, but I really think something is wrong here."

"Alright, fine," Ritsuko said, pushing herself away from the desk in her wheelie chair. Shrugging on her coat, she left. A few moments later, she reappeared. "Yes...there is definitely something wrong. Happy now?"

Misato would have taken the scientist's remark for sarcasm had she not swiftly reclaimed her seat and began typing furiously on the computer she usually worked at. It didn't take her long to bring up all sorts of analytics and diagrams-all of which made no sense at all to the captain.

"What is it, contamination?" She couldn't stop herself from asking. The inquiry seemed almost to be a trademark of hers, with almost everything negative and eva-related ending up as contamination of some sort.

"Potentially."

Silence and awkwardness consumed the conversation, causing the room to lapse into silence save for the almost rhythmic sound of Ritsuko's legendary typing. Misato's curiosity failed to be sated by her colleague's curt responses, and she found herself shifting her weight from foot to foot as she struggled for something to say.

"It kind of...looked...bloated?" Her words began as a statement and finished as a question, only adding to the overwhelming sense of embarrassment that only she seemed to feel. All the techno babble that went on in this field of work certainly had a way of knocking people down a peg or ten, she thought.

"Yes, there is bloating in the abdominal region," Ritsuko said almost idly, most of her attention still being on her computer.

"Is it bad?"

She sighed, "No."

"So why are you taking all those notes?"

"Documentation."

"Why?"

"Oh my god, Misato." The blonde screwed her eyes shut and pinched the bridge of her nose. "It's standard procedure, that's all. Something looks funny, record it. Everything's normal? Record it anyway."

Misato looked back at the Eva and muttered, after a brief moment of quietness, "You know what's kind of funny?"

Ritsuko rolled her eyes in response, "What is?"

"It looks pregnant," Misato said, giggling. Ritsuko fixed her with a look, suppressing the millionth sigh that fought to escape her. "I honestly hope that you've taken into consideration the fact that Evangelions cannot reproduce. That would be completely and utterly disturbing."

"Yeah, I know, but NERV hasn't banned jokes yet so I'm taking advantage of every chance I get."

Ritsuko's failure to respond prompted Misato to wander away from the observation deck and over to the metal catwalk within Unit 00's cage, which was a, though quite lengthy, floor down. Regardless of the effort spent, she could not find it within herself to stare too long into the unblinking eye of the blue-armored behemoth. It was unnerving to think about the raw power an Evangelion possessed; power they exploited and suppressed when they felt fit.

The captain seemed to have forgotten about her nails, which she'd spent some of her off-time making pretty, when she ran her fingers through her hair. Her musings were more important, more worthy of her attention, she rationalized. As she looked her eyes were at level with its torso. The abdominal region seemed to suddenly bulge.

Ritsuko, naturally, jumped when Misato came running back into the observation room shouting, "THERE IS SOMETHING IN THE EVA!"

She looked over at the Captain and sighed, "Are you still drunk? You know you do need to cut down on the drinking at night...and day. You're really starting to succumb to the nastier effects of excessive alcohol consumption."

Her statement served only to make the captain go red in the face, due to the fact that she both found it difficult to come up with a retort, and that any available one she had ready consisted mostly of incoherent vulgarities. "No, it actually did! It...did! Seriously, Rits!"

"Ah...alright," Ritsuko sighed and rose. Not a moment after, Misato had her by the arm and the two women made headed all the way back down to the platform bridging across the coolant.

They stood before Unit 00. "See?!" Misato shouted, pointing. Ritsuko stood, her expression part indifference and part exasperation. "I am failing to see what you're pointing at. It's still just mildly bloated."

She yawned while she stretched out. "JUST WATCH IT!" Misato barked again, prompting Ritsuko-though against her better judgement-to continue staring at the Eva. This is getting ridiculous, she thought to herself.

And then she saw it. The unit's body appeared to shift and bulge.

Slowly, she turned around and sedately walked back to her office. She sat down and stared at her computer's monitor. "Misato…" she muttered after a time, "Please tell me you have beer or something vile stashed away. I need to steel myself a bit." She continued staring and felt an aluminum can pushed into her hand with rather unsurprising quickness. Ritsuko took a grateful swig of the weak beer. "Actually, wait, this will be better," Misato said, pouring coffee and what appeared to be whiskey into the same cup. She grabbed the can from Ritsuko and replaced it with the spiked coffee.

"You're sure dedicated to the cause, huh."

"You know it. So, what is our next course of action?"

"We have to see inside of it somehow. It's like it's got a tumor or something, and it is growing fast."

"And when are we going to let Gendo know about this?" Misato asked, taking a swig of her drink. Ritsuko sighed, "Part of me feels like we should not tell Gendo-at least not right away. We have to get rid of him somehow so we don't have him breathing down the back of our necks. I mean I know he can understand when something is delicate, but this...this may require him to not be around, especially if we have to cut it open. Or, he may just want to watch and see what happens. But if we watch and wait it could be potentially devastating for the Unit."

"So how do we even intend on getting him out of here? I mean nothing is going to make that man leave short of an act of whatever god he believes in."

Ritsuko sat in deep thought, sipping her laced coffee. "We definitely have to bring more people in on this...Fuyutsuki, he'll understand. He'll be able to convince Gendo to stay put, and-or leave for a while."

"Are you completely confident of this?"

"No, but it is worth a shot...after I finish this coffee."

"Welcome to the dark side."

Silently, they drank their respective drinks. Ritsuko downed her coffee in a few deep draughts, which was something of a new behavior coming from her. Finishing first, she slapped the mug down and announced, "Let's get Gendo out of here, and then...we operate."


	2. Wat

"So...you want me to do...what?" Shinji asked as he looked up at the women. "Well, we kind of need you to cut open Unit-00 and extract whatever is in there," Misato said quickly. "Think of it as surgery…"

"It _is_ surgery you idiot," Ritsuko corrected, rolling her eyes.

Shinji was silent as he stared. And he kept staring. "Hello, Shinji, anyone home?" Misato asked, waving her hand in front of his face. "Rits, I think I broke him." She mumbled.

"Why? What is even _inside _Unit-00?!" Shinji added finally.

"An abnormal growth," Ritsuko said coolly, without hesitation, "we think it's a tumor of some sort."

"Think you can give it a shot for us?" Misato asked, smiling. "Why not ask Asuka?" Shinji asked. "We already have her on containment duty. She's just going to be there to keep you from freaking out-in short, we have her on the more important job." Shinji still gave the women what appeared to be a disgusted and amused face. With a slight bit more coercion, he softly agreed.

"Alright, let's get this over with." Asuka said over Unit-02's external speakers. She held down Unit-00, its stomach armor exposed. Shinji was poised over it, his progressive knife drawn. Unfortunately the boy seemed to be hesitating. "Shinji, you will not be killing Unit-00 if that's what you think you are doing. Evangelion units are easy enough to repair." Misato said over the testing room's speakers.

"Misato I don't know if I can do this…" Shinji said as Unit-00's gut twitched and bulged. "Shinji, you've faced worse before. Rei is out right now, not inside the unit, just cut it open and yank whatever is in there out." Ritsuko sighed before adding, "Or let Asuka do it." Misato covered the microphone with her hand and mouthed to Ritsuko, "Why didn't we just let Asuka do it?"

"Okay Shinji, if you really are feeling uncomfortable, just give the knife to Asuka. We aren't Gendo-we aren't going to force you to do this." Ritsuko said.

"Alright, idiot, give me the knife," Asuka said, holding out Unit-02's hand. "There's no need for any of this 'I mustn't run away' crap you're so fond of."

"W-W-Wait, are you sure?" Shinji stammered in reply. The bridge bunnies and the two women could be seen rolling their eyes and slapping their hands against their faces in exasperation. Shinji held out the knife to Asuka without saying anything.

She snagged the knife from him and pushed him aside as he moved to take her place, but before he could restrain Unit-00 she stabbed the blade into it. The redhead sliced open Unit-00 swiftly and stuck her hand through the oozing slice. A retching noise echoed throughout the chamber. "BAKA SHINJI!" Asuka replied looking up at Unit-01.

"Oh god please tell me he isn't." Ritsuko sighed, her face pressed into the palm of her hand. Misato made a disgusted face as the retching continued. "I think we may have to do an override and get him out, regardless." Misato mumbled, "or the very least have him shut off his damn speakers before Maya sympathy pukes."

Ritsuko grabbed the microphone. "Asuka just pull whatever is in there out NOW!" She shouted, more than a little annoyed. She should not have expected such an odd mission to go smoothly in the first place. The German girl struck her other hand into Unit-00's abdomen and slowly began drawing out the offending growth. "Wow it's like a big grey tumor," Misato remarked.

Unfortunately, the big grey tumor began twitching. Asuka, startled, threw it across the room where it landed with a loud, wet _plap_. Shinji began to retch once more. The tumor twitched again and uncurled, making something of a screaming sound, and kicking its legs and arms in the air. As it continued to uncurl the unmistakable beaked angel mask was on its head and a deep red core shone in the test room from the center of its chest.

Ritsuko looked into the room, her eyes wide. Everyone was quiet, Shinji even stopped puking (for the moment). The creature continued wailing. Asuka finally broke the silence by screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?" Ritsuko regained a vague semblance of composure and shouted into the microphone, "Sensors are reading blood type blue, its an Angel!"

"Well, should we kill it then?" Asuka replied, gently prodding it with her prog knife. The caterwauling continued from the creature. "I am not it even sure it presents a threat." Ritsuko said, "In any case, we will keep it quarantined in this room, once we get you and Shinji out of there."

After Units 01 and 02 had been removed, they gazed down at the lumpy creature, still sitting beside Unit-00. Its shrieking died down to mere squeaks as it peered around the room. "You know part of me is regretting sending Gendo away," Misato said, "He'd probably have a better idea of what to do with this...Angel thing."

Rei had finally appeared and was standing next to Shinji. The boy was awkwardly attempting to explain what had happened to her unit while they had sent her out for a time. He was also explaining some of the puke on his plug suit that was a consequence of this event. She remained silent, leaving Shinji more anxious than he was before. "Gendo would probably know what to do. I will call him." She said after some time. Ritsuko leaped to snagged her phone away from the blue haired girl.

As the leading women and Rei played an intricate game of keep away, Maya continued gazing at the lumpy Angel. "You know I think it is kind of precious." she announced. The room fell quiet. "Precious?" Hyuga responded, "It looks like a moldy potato that became sentient."

"Yes but just listen to those squeaks, that does not sound like anything that's threatening."

At that moment Hyuga looked down upon the young Angel as it squeaked once more, and closed its eyes, giving it an almost pleased expression. "Why is it making that face?" He asked, "Is that even a face?" Maya spoke up again, "Yes it has a face." This time the Angel looked in her direction, opening its pit like eyes, before closing them again once more into the pleased expression.

Once again, Misato and her colleague found themselves in the observation bridge, and once again, the Major found herself spinning on one of the wheely chairs in said room. "We're…"

"So screwed?" Ritsuko finished for her with a nod of her head. "Yes, we're basically that."

The purple-haired woman outstretched her arms, chair mid-spin before adding: "Isn't this kind of like...I don't know, treason?"

The scientist made a sniffling noise instead of scoffing. It seemed to better fit the circumstances.

"Well, we're...housing a-"

The door slammed open and Rei stood in the doorway. "I have to contact Gendo about this."

"Rei, we will tell him, just not at this very moment. Once the situation under control we will tell him."

The situation, however, was only under the merest semblance of control as one can imagine. The removal of Unit-00 from the testing room was underway as well as the decision as to best contain the baby angel, which seemed to acknowledge the vessel it came from and it gently patted Unit-00 whenever it could, its small hands continuing to make wet plapping noises.

Ritsuko went right ahead and whipped out a clipboard, only to witness Maya entering the testing room.

"Um, Doctor Akagi-" she began and was immediately cut off by none other than Misato, who spun in her chair once more to emphasize the severity of the situation: "Maya, can't you see the adults are talking?" Her snarky remark earned her an equally nasty look from the scientist.

The bridge bunny only needed to take a glance at her spinning on the chair to see she wasn't going to be granted audience just yet. She left the women and began her descent downstairs. Against her better judgement, she slowly entered the room, some ways away from the young angel. The creature was still merrily plapping its hand on Unit-00's head as the Eva was being removed by the technicians. It caught sight of Maya and began plapping its hands upon the ground, giving, once more the pleased expression it had earlier.

Boldly she stepped into the room and approached the young angel. It stopped its squeaking as she stood in front of it. The baby angel bent over and reached its hand out, poking her in the stomach.

As she did that, Akagi found it to be the perfect time to bring up all the monitoring screens for the cages and, of course, their testing facility. All she really sought to do was jot down a few things, mock reports for when Gendo got back and grilled her with questions, but she instead ended up dropping said clipboard and shrieking: "_MAYA. HOW-GET OUT OF THERE!"_

Naturally, Misato stopped her fooling around and went over to check out the commotion. "Wow, she's gonna die."

"Misato, you're _not. helping!_"

Luckily, Hyuga and Aoba were much more vigilant in their effort and ran after her to pull her out. "Ah come on guys-" Maya started saying, before Aoba cut her off, "It has a core-you accidentally touch, you die." Ritsuko than announced, "If we are keeping this thing around for science we have to cover that up."

Misato looked at Ritsuko and muttered, "So does that mean we have to change diapers now?"

"I'm thinking more big, more metal, probably a lot of lock bolts." She ticked off the points on her fingers. "And weight. That thing's going to be heavy. An effective restraint system is the only acceptable restraint system."

She received an odd look from the Major.

"What?"

At the Massachusetts NERV Base:

Gendo was asleep, fairly soundly. Suddenly, he woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. "Something is very wrong," he announced, going into his standard pose, with his elbows balanced upon his knees. "Something is very wrong."


End file.
